Navigating maternity leave and identity transformation
From the beginning of September 2022 until the end of August 2023, I am on maternity leave. While I am not yet a parent (still waiting), I have already logged off/passed my duties at work and completed ongoing academic commitments from postdoc times. I do not commit to any mentoring or academic activities until the end of February 2023.
I am very grateful to have this transition time even though it’s out of my comfort zone, I am too used to “doing” rather than just “being” and waiting. Still, this time gave my mind some space to reflect on my changing identity. Such thoughts struck me some time ago when I was only considering whether to stay on the academic career track or switch to industrial research. Four months in my industrial position, I am transitioning again, but now adding a parent role to my identity.
Recently, my husband and I were watching a series of research documentaries “Babies” on Netflix (highly recommended, very interesting), and in one interview, one researcher was talking about her experience of pregnancy. She said that she was afraid to lose herself in motherhood and her identity as a scientist. In the end, she even gained from this additional role, as it inspired her work (she later included her baby in her research study), but I can relate to those initial worries now. Two weeks after my official mat leave started, I was still writing an article for a conference with a former colleague and still appeared in work chats, even if everyone told me to disconnect.
The perspectives of career/work-driven women were interesting to me long before my pregnancy, and I listened carefully to their stories on finding the family-work balance after having children. I don't remember ever dreaming about children and marriage (I did about science/career), so I was trying to understand if it was something for me. Since my husband and I decided that we both would like to have kids, I have been thinking a lot about how our lives would change. According to what others say, having kids is a transformational experience, and life will never be the same. While all the stories agree on that point, everyone has their own opinion on “How?” Of course, it is impossible to know from the stories of others. Generalizations drive me crazy, especially when people who have kids start telling you will FOR SURE have certain experiences they had. While I try to avoid such discussions, I am adding diverse stories to my collection of possible scenarios.
Leaving Finland for Italy
What I have realized so far, life will change IN ANY CASE.
From the very beginning of pregnancy, a ton of changes have happened in our lives that are not directly related to the baby (moving countries/cities, new jobs, Russo-Ukrainian War), and we somehow manage to deal with them (better or worse). Views also change as you acquire more information, which is the basis of research and advance of knowledge. For example, until I hit the last pregnancy month, I was so sad to leave my work project for a year. As it became hard to breathe in any position with a computer after a couple of hours, my devotion somehow decreased. It would be strange to say, "well, I decided /told everyone that my research is my passion," and continue as usual, although the situation has changed.
I am more and more convinced that changes will happen anyway, whether you like it or not. They will happen even if you don't actively change anything (in the world or your head). The only choice is whether you adapt or resist. Such realization helps me to accept the changing identity, realizing that it’s not something fixed anyways.